DEATH, DYINg, and GRIEF

Dying, like birthing, used to take place in the home. It is only in the past century that death has routinely included things like embalming and immediately passing off the care of the deceased to mortuaries. But we are starting to understand that making death invisible does not erase it, and, in fact, prolongs, muddies, and complicates our grief. We have a deep, primal need to care for our own loved ones, and to sit in a watchful vigil with them, as our ancestors did before us.

There is a movement to reclaim dying, bringing it back into the loving hands of family and friends. As you or your loved one transitions into home hospice or approaches last days, I can be there to help gently guide you and to relieve pain and soothe anxiety through gentle acupuncture, massage, aromatherapy, art making, sound therapy and simply by being calm and quietly present. I can teach and support you to care for your loved one’s body during home vigils, as well as help you explore your options for end-of-life, the disposition of the body, and review wishes and documents you’ll want to have on hand to ease the burden for those who survive you. Additionally, I am available to help support the grieving process through listening, energetic work, sound healing, art making, acupuncture, bedside singing with Raven’s Call (Buffalo’s Threshold Choir), and the creation of memorial ceremonies and grieving rituals. This support is also available for pets, as they are very much a part of our family.

Please Note: There are a variety of important social and cultural reasons why someone might choose a standard American funeral with embalming and luxurious caskets, and in no way do I wish to shame those who choose this path. Additionally, handling the death of an infant, child, suicide, or sudden tragic death by accident may require more interventions (although a slightly delayed home funeral may still be possible, if desired). If you want and need end-of-life support and choose a “standard” burial, I will still be happy to assist you without judgment or dogma. Your dignity and peace are of utmost concern to me.

I’ve been interested in death and dying since I was seven and lovingly shrouded and buried my pet parakeet, Sprite. Over the last decade. I’ve worked to become better educated on ecological alternatives to the standard American burial and ways to support families during end-of-life. Many of my acupuncture patients were/are on hospice or have terminal diagnoses, and I’ve been honored to provide them relief from both physical pain and death anxiety. I’ve been at the bedside when death occurs and helped to care for the dead, dying, and their surviving loved ones. I hold a certification in Integrative Thanatology (Death Studies) from One Spirit Interfaith Seminary and am writing a book on death and dying for Llewellyn Publications. Over the last several years I’ve been able to take end-of-life, grief, and home funeral workshops from Olivia Bareham of Sacred Crossings (after death body care), Alua Arthur of Going With Grace (legal documentation), Amber Carvaly of Mortician in the Kitchen and former partner to Caitlyn Doughty at Undertaking LA funeral home (body shrouding), Jill Shock of Death Doula LA (end of life doula care), Dr. Karen Wyatt, MD of End of Life University (supporting loved ones after suicide) , Leslie Blackhall, MD, head of palliative care at University of Virginia (making end of life decisions) , Jan Booth, RN (the inner life of the dying), and Jeanne Denney, somatic therapist (being present with non-verbal and diverse states of awareness at end of life). I’ve also completed a three-day death doula retreat with the amazing death educator and Last Dance Shrouds maker, Dina Stander, studied funeral celebrancy with both Death Wives and Amy Cunningham of Fitting Tribute Funerals in Brooklyn, NY and created a private line of organic products for her funeral home, and participated in a “livng funeral” death rehearsal session with Emily Cross of Steady Waves (UK).

As a Death Midwife, available to support before, during, and after death as a health care provider, home funeral guide, and memorial officiant/celebrant. I am a member of The Order of the Good Death and host a chapter of Silent Book Club of Death on the first Wednesday of every month, as well as direct Raven’s Call, a Threshold Choir for singing at the bedside of the dying. I’ve also created a line of organic products for after death care including Gentle Goodbye Soap, Organic Dry Shampoo, FInal Blessing Spray, Mouth Spray, Essential Oil Cornstarch Powder, Good Grief tea, pillows and sachets filled with fragrant, organic, dried flowers and sacred Anointing Oil made with olive oil, benzoin, frankincense, myrrh, and bay.

If you are curious about burial shrouds, I keep vintage linens for shrouding in stock and I regularly teach an online class on Burial Shrouds for Brooklyn’s Morbid Anatomy Museum, called Your Last Garment. Check www.morbidanatomy.org for more details.

If you are interested in bedside acupuncture for end-of-life , home funeral care, requesting a Threshold Choir visit, art making, sound baths, or grief support, please message me directly to discuss your options. No one should have to go through this alone. If money is an issue, please don’t hesitate to reach out about sliding scale or barter. To attend Threshold Choir rehearsals, please check the events section of this website.

END-OF-LIFE RESOURCES: WEBSITES

More resources coming soon…

NATIONAL HOME FUNERAL ALLIANCE : resources and info on home funerals and vigils

FUNERAL CONSUMERS ALLIANCE : information on consumer rights and laws

GREEN BURIAL COUNCIL : information on green burials

CINDEA : excellent tutorials on body care for your beloved after death

ORDER OF THE GOOD DEATH : death positive info and articles

TALK DEATH DAILY : death positive info and articles

CHASING THE RAINBOWS: pregnancy and infant loss support

THE GRAVE WOMAN : African American death and grief

END OF LIFE UNIVERSITY PODCAST: podcast by a hospice MD with great topics

BOOKS FOR ADULTS

HOME FUNERALS GUIDE : simple how to from the NHFA

HOME FUNERAL CEREMONIES : small book on conducting home funeral ceremonies

GRAVE MATTERS : funeral history and green burial options

PEACE OF MIND PLANNER : practical planner for end of life

SACRED DYING : spiritual book on creating rituals for end of life

AWAKE AT THE BEDSIDE : Buddhist perspective

ADVICE FOR FUTURE CORPSES: written by a hospice nurse

THE DYING PROCESS : small booklet on signs and symptoms and what to expect

THE DEATH DOULA'S GUIDE TO LIVING FULLY AND DYING PREPARED: a workbook for emotional and spiritual processing

IN CASE YOU GET HIT BY A BUS : practical and legal planning

CHOOSING TO DIE : a story about VSED (Voluntarily Stop Eating and Drinking)

THE WILD EGDE OF SORROW : beautiful grief book

THE GRIEVING BRAIN : the science of grief

THE SMELL OF RAIN ON DUST: gorgeous stories and teachings on grief and love

DIE WISE : somewhat intense book on facing death head on

HEALING INTO LIFE AND DEATH : grief work and meditations

MODERN LOSS : great grief workbook

UNDERSTANDING YOUR GRIEF : gentle and easy to read

THE HOT YOUNG WIDOWS CLUB: grief support for young widows

NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE : surviving the suicide of a loved one

BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

WHEN SOMEONE DIES: A MINDFUL GUIDE: mindful, gentle guide for children

HEALING A CHILD'S GRIEVING HEART : 100 practical ideas

SOMETHING VERY SAD HAPPENED : for toddlers

THERE WAS A BABY: for young children in families experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss

THE MEMORY BOX: A BOOK ABOUT GRIEF: for young children

MAP OF MEMORY LANE: gentle book on grief for young children

LIFETIMES: THE BEAUTIFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN DEATH TO CHILDREN

A KIDS BOOK ABOUT SUICIDE: compassionate and direct for elementary age

SOMEONE I LOVE DIED BY SUICIDE : for elementary age